nightmare

I've been thinking about this post all night, and I don't even know where to begin. Yesterday, we got some of the worst news possible. I feel like I'm in a dream, and watching my life from outside my body. John has been diagnosed with stage 2B Lymphoma.

John's symptoms started a few months ago. He had a persistent cough for about 2 months, and John attributed it to some sort of bronchitis. After it continued, I nagged him to go to the doctors, but it was upon the insistence of his parents that he finally went to see the doctor's. This was on Saturday. He also had a chest x-ray which ended up showing a mass in his chest. John's father is a doctor, and was able to pull a lot of strings to have John seen ASAP. Yesterday we spent the entire day at the hospital, meeting with the doctor, and John having a PET/CT scan performed. Luckily his mother was able to watch Isaiah so that I could be with John the entire day. It still really feels like a dream.

So now I'm not sure what the future with hold. On Friday John will have a biopsy to confirm the doctor's diagnosis which will dictate which type of treatment he will need. He will also have a bone marrow biopsy next week to make sure that the lymphoma is not in there. Most likely, John will start radiation treatment late next week.

Right now I am feeling so many emotions. I am encouraged by all the support we have, all the new technology and advances in medicine. I'm having my good moments, and I'm having my bad moments. I feel stressed to think about what will happen financially. John was working 2 jobs so that I could stay home with Isaiah. I'm not certain what will happen with this situation. It depends on how John handles the treatments. If he does not do well with them and is unable to work, then we'll have to look into disability and other programs. If need be, I will have to go back to work. I feel lucky that we're going through this with people that will help us if we need it. I can't imagine families that have to go through this with nothing. I feel blessed to have Isaiah because I know that he gives us purpose and a major reason to fight this. I'm trying not to get too ahead in my worrying, because we're really not sure what type of lymphoma, what kind of treatment he needs, etc. I'm just trying to take things one day at a time.

So, for now, I'm here. I'll probably be sewing and keeping up with my etsy shop to keep my mind of things. I'll check in from time to time, but just not as regularly.

I also wanted to mention all of John's symptoms. If you or anyone else you know has these, please get checked out. Persistent cough, excessive itching, a sizable weight loss, and night sweats. John thought that these things were irritating, but livable. He doesn't feel sick or tired, and otherwise looks like a healthy person. Looks can be deceiving.